I've been slowly becoming more isolated and disillusioned with the
strange symptoms that have been increasing throughout my life. At first I thought I had something physically wrong with me, but over the years I've started to really think there was something more going on.
As a baby I had meningitis and spent a long time in the hospital on who knows how many drugs. I don't remember any of this, of course, but I have often wondered what that time in my early life might have done to me mentally and physically. I was also in a handful of car accidents that I again, don't remember, yet I grew up with a latent fear of driving and have had off and on nightmares about car accidents my whole life. When I was a child I had rounds of ear infections and antibiotics to treat them. No one seemed to wonder why I got them, I just did. I went to a chiropractor who said my neck was malformed, and an ER doctor later confirmed this and pointed out my shoulders are out of alignment and I have mild scoliosis in my lower back. When I asked what can be done he basically told me nothing, and then happily showed a training intern my ailments as if these conditions were only useful to him for that function. I was left to deal with them on my own. It is no wonder I suffered from debilitating neck and head aches. I also had horrible menstrual cramps that would leave me in tears and hardly able to walk. I was given the pill to treat it, that didn't work. I did later go vegan and take myself off the pill, removing all exogenous hormones possible, and THAT worked. That is my one great health success story.
The more illusive physical symptoms started in my mid 20's with light headedness, brain fog,
dizziness and nausea. I went to different doctors including a
neurologist and ear/nose/throat doctor. The closest I got to an answer
was "something is off in your left ear but we don't know what. Just deal
with it." At the time I was working a high stress job as a telemarketer. I hated it. I worked in a
rundown building that leaked when it rained. During winter storms we rarely had a cancellation and would often lose heat and power and sit in the cold, sometimes for hours, because the owner of the business refused to send us home. During a huge ice storm that crippled New England I was at work shivering in the dark. This it was during the economic downturn in 2008 and I
couldn't find other employment. My financial situation was precarious and it paid better than most jobs I could get at that age. I also was in a car accident which
injured my already poorly shaped neck. During this time I went to the ER, I think twice, due to what I learned were panic attacks that seemed to come from nowhere. Again I wasn't really given any diagnoses or suggestions for how to deal with it. I was told I was fine and sent home.
Eventually when I did leave that
telemarketing job my symptoms lessened and I went on with my life but with a mindset
to get my health better in control. I cut out any chemicals I could, got
off the pill and changed to more natural products, I went whole foods
vegan which helped immensely with my menstrual cramps and my headaches. I had a job I liked, I was married to a
wonderful man (also vegan!), I was doing pretty great. Then things at my job changed.
I
got a new boss who was, in retrospect, bordering on mental abuse with
gaslight style techniques for controlling me. She would tell me to do
one thing, then act as though she hadn't and criticize me for doing
exactly as I was told. If I pointed this out I was told I was mistaken, I
began to question reality. She would constantly ping my throughout the day, preventing me from getting work done by bringing up random, less important tasks that distracted from the to do list she had given me for the day. I watched 2-3 email boxes, two phones, two locked entries including our front door where I handled deliveries and job applicants. My desk was a rotating door of people looking for someone to take on a task no one else wanted. I started breaking down emotionally, I went
into work and would sometimes hide in the bathroom because I couldn't
stop balling my eyes out. I was an emotional wreck, I would get home so
angry and frustrated I wanted to break something. I finally had a good,
stable job and it was crumbling in my hands. I got sick more, had
problems sleeping and started to feel generally unwell again. Eventually
she let me go, I didn't argue. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like a
failure, I cried and was a vegetable for two days. I would often wake up in a panic thinking something was wrong, or feeling like I couldn't breathe. I had severe moments of depersonalize, I felt like I was watching life from someone else's eyes and it was all fake, like my life was a TV show. I had no health insurance because I had lost my job (yay America with our privatized healthcare system that is tied to our increasingly precarious employment!) so I couldn't go to a doctor unless it was an emergency. I just suffered through it.
In a few months I
managed to get a new job that I really enjoyed, it didn't pay great but I
was well treated and loved what I did. I had to take a second job from
home to pay the bills and I started working a lot. I would go to my day
job, come home and work five more hours, plus full days on the weekend.
Eventually the symptoms started to return and progress. I started
noticing weird heartbeats, digestive problems, sensitivity to light and
sound and anxiety on top of the symptoms I had already dealt with. It's
now progressed to where I have difficulty commuting to work (car rides
make me unusually anxious and buses are horrible!) and I avoid going
places. Certain sounds are like a dagger into my ear and I am more
sensitive to bright lights. I have a hard time eating well and regularly
due to nausea and digestion. Lately I can't sleep at night, sometimes when I am falling asleep I suddenly wake up thinking something is wrong for no apparent reason. I can't
engage with people in the way I used to, even with friends I feel
distant. I am often feeling so crummy I just can't socialize and I rarely feel well enough to want to leave the house.
All my adult life I've struggled with job and financial security to the point I am not sure I know what those things really are. I keep reaching for them and having it snatched from me to the point I sometimes wonder why I am bothering to try. Obviously I need to have a job, I need to pay bills, but as my physical and metal health takes one beating after the other I find myself wishing I could take time to focus on me for once. I wish I could work part time and not worry about losing health insurance. I wish I could make a large chunk of my day about healing myself. I wish I could go to a doctor who would listen and not brush me aside because I can't be fixed with a pill or surgery. I wish I could ride the bus without battling having a panic attack in front of the students I work with. I miss being my upbeat, happy self. I miss ME.
This is where I am at. I hide my symptoms because I don't want to be judged. I dread being told that I am just being a "lazy millennial who doesn't know what hard work means" or "it's because you're vegan and not getting enough [insert nutrient of choice here]." I am afraid to ask for help, I am afraid to see people look at me with pity or censure. I increasingly want to hide and lick my own wounds and hope that heals them. I am, at the same time, aware it isn't healing. It isn't working.
